My Personal Goal

I think I need to use the next couple weeks to train my body to a routine. I've read that it takes 3 days of doing something for it to become a habit. I get up each morning and see how my other mother friends are up at dawn heading to the gym. As I sit on the toilet, usually having my first Newport of the day (don't judge me :) ), I often ask myself,  Why can't you be that disciplined? You, meaning I, talk all the time about how I want to be healthy; yet I am doing nothing about it. Well that's going to have to stop at some point, and I choose now over later!!!!

I believe in my heart I am serious this time....this time. I am getting older and I know everything is about to....slow....down and I have to get a jump start. I have to do something....I'm not happy with the way my clothes look on me. I absolutely hate clothing shopping; usually buying what I think will fit to get home and realize it's too small OR I get home and realize it doesn't look the way I thought it would in my head. Why do I do this? Because I am tired of crying in the dressing room when I can clearly see what I look like in the clothes. I own not ONE full length mirror; it's too depressing. Well fuck all that noise. I will be buying a new mirror and each morning I am going to look at myself. Look real hard...looking to see...ME. It's so easy to get the outside world to think you love yourself, when in all honesty you don't.

How can I love myself when I am actually hurting me? Hurting my children?

Well I say...let's try. If I really make an effort, I know in 2 weeks alone I will see some results. I will see the fat start to strink and a shape start to form. I know that in a month, I'll be breathing better, feeling better and looking better. By 3 months I will look like a completely different person...and by December...well let's just say I hope I don't end up pregnant because the boo won't be able to keep his hands off me...Yes..that's what I want.

And I'm finally in the right mind set to go it.

Let's hope and pray I stay this way and tomorrow will be a testament of truth.

Tomorrow begins the new Nicole. I can't wait to meet her because it's been a long time coming. Nite.

Here I go again

A couple of years ago I started this blog because it was supposed to be motivation to reach a goal. As of today the only goal I have reached is NOTHING. I have not changed on thing about my unhealthy lifestyle. I can get motivated for a few days and then I allow something to take me off my course. 

What I should be doing and looking like right?!

I was doing TaeBo at the beginning of the year. I, with a few friends, had created a weight loss support group. We were all writing down the process so in the event it worked we could possibly sale the idea and make a few bucks. Week one I was in it to win it!!!! Daily support messages, open forum , motivational quotes, etc. I was going to be the motivator; because I was finally ready to do what needed to be done to lose this weight.......yeah we see how well that worked. I ended up getting a job and the text messages stopped and so did the group. I think we all are still "committed" to losing weight, we all just are lacking in the motivation department.

A couple of weeks ago my daughter and I decided we were going to put in Zumba2 , for the Wii, and do our thing. The first night it was fun. I was sweating up a storm....getting 5 stars and stuff. Woke up the next morning sore and proud. Look at me I thought, I'm really going to get this weight off this time. Next night I came home, Bree was ready and we completed another 30 minute session. Day 3 I was really feeling it; my entire core hurt but this time my neighbor came over and we really had a  ball. I was able to push a little harder because we were all laughing so hard at the lack of coordination that no on realized we were working out. Night 4 my sides were really sore so I decided that I was going to take the night off. That was a big mistake. It has been 3 weeks since then and I have not Zumba-ed since.

My problem is not that I do not have desire, it's that I don't display the discipline I once showed as a child. The summer before 12th grade exercise was all that I could think about. I got up each morning and went for a 1 hour walk , eat decent meals all day, TaeBo(on VHS) in the evenings and topped the night off with 50 crunches. I was a machine!!!! I walked back first day smaller than I had been when I started high school. I of course did not keep those habits up and now look at me. 
Overweight, unhappy and tired of being tired about being fat.

I was talking to my best friend the other day and decided that I was not going to talk about losing weight anymore. I was going to get off my ass and do something about it and let my new body do all the talking. I have very understanding and supportive friends but I know they are tired of hearing me talk how I'm going to do this, that, and the 3rd and then I actually gain weight!!! I mean come the fuck on...enough is enough right? 

So I Hurt Myself

A couple of weeks ago I fell while I was at work. I got you and kept working like nothing was wrong. It wasn't until later that evening did I realize What I had done but never thought a small fall would leave me with lasting pain. Some days I wake up and if I move if I move slowly. Those days usually involve muscle relaxers
and of course a pain reliever. I get to work I do my job and I go home. On the bad days I can barely stand up straight better yet work. I take all the needed precautions but if I'm hurting I'm hurting. I didn't listen when I was told to do the workman's compensation paper work. I thought I was OK and that would be stealing from my company. So I sat out of work for a few days and went back up in there full force. Big mistake. I guess my real problem is that I am not willing to work with pain. I've never hurt like this before and it's not cool to me. I am not a lazy person I don't mind working hard that's What life is all about. But I'm not going to kill my body not for this little bit of money. I believe that I deserve a better job and I'm going too. If Brian is able to buy this car that will change everything. I'll be able to apply to better positions that's paying some money. My time is coming I Just have to patient and wait for the phone call. Someone's gotta see What I bring to a team. My day is coming....I Just have to wait. One day this will all be funny!

It's my Birthday!!!!!

Today marks 30 years I've been on this precious earth.   I've learned things and seen a few things too. I'm happy to be here because there are some that didn't make it thus far. I sit here, grown as hell, thinking about the future. Where will I be in 30 more years? What is my health going to look like?  What are my finances going to say about me and my choices?  What do I need to do in order to make sure the next 30 years say more about me than the last 30 did? I'm going to give these questions some serious thought and get back with ya.  Later

Regrets

I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to do. I know I need to lose this weight, knowing the health risks I face. I scream about how I love my kids but never but in the effort needed to actually succeed.  Why is that? What is missing from me that
allows me to be successful? The only answer I could think of was...ME!!!! I alone am stopping me from becoming my ideal weight. 

I mean I did go from being 293 to 265! That's definitely worth celebrating, right?! But now it's time to take it to the next level. I was all like, Ima exercise after I get off work and come home and flop on da couch. I worry about being sore and then having to go to work and lift on people which is a pain in itself.  But those are excuses right? Things I make up to be apart of my own demise.  Instead of making ways to be thinner I find reasons to stay fat.

See it's easy to stay fat. You already have a wardrobe in that size and you get used to not being noticed when out in public. You notice there are some nationally known big girls, so you rationalize that if you too had a beauty team all would be well.  Even though you're dying on the inside( and in some cases this is literal) you smile and ignore the jokes and awkward glances and continue on your mary way.

But you dream skinny.  I mean real skinny. I know in my dreams I'm skinny and got this big ol juicy booty. Of course all the men wanna be with me cuz I'm the shit. I ooze confidence and demand respect. Now besides the juicy booty thang I am a woman about my shit that is sexual and demands respect. I just don't think people see because I don't wanna actually be noticed. I've grown used to being looked over so what's the difference now,right?

Part of my problem is the fear that skinny Nicole is an ass. What if the concept of being skinny goes to my head? What if I'm a total dick to the people I love? What if...what if...my "new" body ain't hitting on shit???  I'm already top heavy so what if the lil bit of "shape" I do have goes away?  Why do I think like this?  Why do I think so negative about myself while promoting positivity to all those around ME??

I know I'll find the answers...I really dont have much choice. Either I get my health together.... I'm going to have bigger requests as I get older. Soon and very soon the motivation I need will formulate. And then I took will claim success...

exercising when sick

 the new year was kind enough to also offer a new cold. i woke up this morning; throat itchy, head banging, nose stuffy. basically not feeling well at all!!! but i was supposed to be exercising today and i barely feel like walking to the bathroom. what is a girl to do? so when i'm in doubt i go to the internet for the answers. according to webmd and Denise Mann i was able to determine that as long as i feel up to the task i should complete the task. the rule is, "if your symptoms are below the neck such as coughing, body aches, fever and fatigue, then it's time to hang up the 'running shoes' until these symptoms subside.". i also learned that exercising can help boost the body's natural defenses against illness and infection.  30 minutes of regular exercise at least 3x a week has been shown to increase T cells, which are one of the body's first defenses against infection. but you can not over do it. going for 90 minutes might actually do more harm than good! so i decided to at least try to get some exercising in today, even though i do not feel my best; working out might actually do me more good in the long run. so wish me luck and happy exercising!

breaking bad habits

according to mypramid.gov
a healthy diet consists of:


GRAINS
make 1/2 your grains whole
VEGETABLES
vary your veggies
FRUITS
focus on fruits
OILS
know your fats
MILK
get your calcium rich foods

if that won't a mouth-full! i have never in my life really considered that the food i put into my mouth makes all the difference in being fat Nicole versus skinny Nicole! i will be the first one to admit that i have some what of a mean SWEET TOOTH!!! i seriously could eat candy and ice cream all day!!! i mean no bullshit....ALL DAMN DAY!!! i used to think there was something wrong with me because i could sit around thinking about a chocolate bar and be just as happy as someone who hit the lottery! as i begin "eating healthy" i have to tell myself that it is not okay to buy a bag of something sweet and then eat it all before i get home.(yes, a moment of honesty here. my name is fat Nicole and i am a binge eater. hello fat Nicole).

as long as i can remember food was used as a way to express emotions. when something good happened we all went out to eat; usually a buffet place, that why i could have my fill on the rolls. when things were going bad; auntie and i would CRUSH a box of ice cream sandwiches, eating them back to back to back until there were none left. i remember getting into college and my first thought was of going to get an ice cream sundae in celebration! (and i went and got one too!!! extra fudge....and boy...was it good ;) ) i have lightly addressed my eating issues, but will have to come back and talk about that later!

tired of talking out of my neck i decided to go get some advice from the professionals and checked out what webmd had to say. i found a very interesting article written by Kathleen M. Zelman, MPH, RD, LD where she discusses 6 steps to changing BAD EATING habits. i am going to post the main points and leave it up to you to read the entire article.

1.Take baby steps; make small changes in your diet/lifestyle
examples include: eating breakfast everyday and eating more meals with the family at a dinner table

2.Become more mindful; paying more attention to what you are actually eating/drinking.
examples include: keeping a food diary

3. Make a plan; Be specific; spell out your options.
examples include: plan to take a piece of fruit to work daily and stick to it.

4. Tackle a New Mini-Goal each week; the thought here is that mini-goals eventually add up to major changes.
examples include: deciding to eat more vegetables by trying a new veggie each week until you find one you really enjoy.

5. Be realistic; don't expect too much too soon.
examples include: remember it takes a month of doing something before it will become a habit.

6.Practice STRESS MANAGEMENT; focus on dealing with stress through exercise, relaxation and mediation.

i personally plan on using each of these steps to help me become a better eater! my first goal would be to cut out sodas, so i am going to look into alternatives that will still feed into my sweet tooth but provides less sugar and actually adds nutrition into my diet.