Regrets

I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to do. I know I need to lose this weight, knowing the health risks I face. I scream about how I love my kids but never but in the effort needed to actually succeed.  Why is that? What is missing from me that
allows me to be successful? The only answer I could think of was...ME!!!! I alone am stopping me from becoming my ideal weight. 

I mean I did go from being 293 to 265! That's definitely worth celebrating, right?! But now it's time to take it to the next level. I was all like, Ima exercise after I get off work and come home and flop on da couch. I worry about being sore and then having to go to work and lift on people which is a pain in itself.  But those are excuses right? Things I make up to be apart of my own demise.  Instead of making ways to be thinner I find reasons to stay fat.

See it's easy to stay fat. You already have a wardrobe in that size and you get used to not being noticed when out in public. You notice there are some nationally known big girls, so you rationalize that if you too had a beauty team all would be well.  Even though you're dying on the inside( and in some cases this is literal) you smile and ignore the jokes and awkward glances and continue on your mary way.

But you dream skinny.  I mean real skinny. I know in my dreams I'm skinny and got this big ol juicy booty. Of course all the men wanna be with me cuz I'm the shit. I ooze confidence and demand respect. Now besides the juicy booty thang I am a woman about my shit that is sexual and demands respect. I just don't think people see because I don't wanna actually be noticed. I've grown used to being looked over so what's the difference now,right?

Part of my problem is the fear that skinny Nicole is an ass. What if the concept of being skinny goes to my head? What if I'm a total dick to the people I love? What if...what if...my "new" body ain't hitting on shit???  I'm already top heavy so what if the lil bit of "shape" I do have goes away?  Why do I think like this?  Why do I think so negative about myself while promoting positivity to all those around ME??

I know I'll find the answers...I really dont have much choice. Either I get my health together.... I'm going to have bigger requests as I get older. Soon and very soon the motivation I need will formulate. And then I took will claim success...