So I Hurt Myself

A couple of weeks ago I fell while I was at work. I got you and kept working like nothing was wrong. It wasn't until later that evening did I realize What I had done but never thought a small fall would leave me with lasting pain. Some days I wake up and if I move if I move slowly. Those days usually involve muscle relaxers
and of course a pain reliever. I get to work I do my job and I go home. On the bad days I can barely stand up straight better yet work. I take all the needed precautions but if I'm hurting I'm hurting. I didn't listen when I was told to do the workman's compensation paper work. I thought I was OK and that would be stealing from my company. So I sat out of work for a few days and went back up in there full force. Big mistake. I guess my real problem is that I am not willing to work with pain. I've never hurt like this before and it's not cool to me. I am not a lazy person I don't mind working hard that's What life is all about. But I'm not going to kill my body not for this little bit of money. I believe that I deserve a better job and I'm going too. If Brian is able to buy this car that will change everything. I'll be able to apply to better positions that's paying some money. My time is coming I Just have to patient and wait for the phone call. Someone's gotta see What I bring to a team. My day is coming....I Just have to wait. One day this will all be funny!

It's my Birthday!!!!!

Today marks 30 years I've been on this precious earth.   I've learned things and seen a few things too. I'm happy to be here because there are some that didn't make it thus far. I sit here, grown as hell, thinking about the future. Where will I be in 30 more years? What is my health going to look like?  What are my finances going to say about me and my choices?  What do I need to do in order to make sure the next 30 years say more about me than the last 30 did? I'm going to give these questions some serious thought and get back with ya.  Later

Regrets

I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to do. I know I need to lose this weight, knowing the health risks I face. I scream about how I love my kids but never but in the effort needed to actually succeed.  Why is that? What is missing from me that
allows me to be successful? The only answer I could think of was...ME!!!! I alone am stopping me from becoming my ideal weight. 

I mean I did go from being 293 to 265! That's definitely worth celebrating, right?! But now it's time to take it to the next level. I was all like, Ima exercise after I get off work and come home and flop on da couch. I worry about being sore and then having to go to work and lift on people which is a pain in itself.  But those are excuses right? Things I make up to be apart of my own demise.  Instead of making ways to be thinner I find reasons to stay fat.

See it's easy to stay fat. You already have a wardrobe in that size and you get used to not being noticed when out in public. You notice there are some nationally known big girls, so you rationalize that if you too had a beauty team all would be well.  Even though you're dying on the inside( and in some cases this is literal) you smile and ignore the jokes and awkward glances and continue on your mary way.

But you dream skinny.  I mean real skinny. I know in my dreams I'm skinny and got this big ol juicy booty. Of course all the men wanna be with me cuz I'm the shit. I ooze confidence and demand respect. Now besides the juicy booty thang I am a woman about my shit that is sexual and demands respect. I just don't think people see because I don't wanna actually be noticed. I've grown used to being looked over so what's the difference now,right?

Part of my problem is the fear that skinny Nicole is an ass. What if the concept of being skinny goes to my head? What if I'm a total dick to the people I love? What if...what if...my "new" body ain't hitting on shit???  I'm already top heavy so what if the lil bit of "shape" I do have goes away?  Why do I think like this?  Why do I think so negative about myself while promoting positivity to all those around ME??

I know I'll find the answers...I really dont have much choice. Either I get my health together.... I'm going to have bigger requests as I get older. Soon and very soon the motivation I need will formulate. And then I took will claim success...